I never quite know where to start when I write these. I guess the beginning is always best but I'm never really sure when the beginning is. Hmmm lets just start from the weekend. Can we say amazing. There really never is a dull moment is there? I mean I guess there are dull moments but OK maybe not "dull" that's kind of an odd word for me, I guess there are calm moments. I feel like that's when I'm the most at peace though. At times I think the weeks drag on forever and the weekends pass by in the blink of an eye. I live for our weekends right now.
Now let me explain something, it's not like I don't like home, it's my home, it's where I grew up, it's where most of my best memories are. I just feel like I'm at a point in my life where it's becoming less of a home and more of just where my bed is. Everyone has to know it kills me to say that. I never thought it would be like this. My mom was always my best friend and not having that anymore is one of the worst feelings in the world. I can't say the distance is necessarily any ones fault either. I can obviously pinpoint for me where it went downhill but I can't always understand why. I feel like when I ended my relationship I also ended one with my mom too. (I know people you can say it didn't happen that way all you want but once again, it's my blog, I tell it how I see it and feel it). Maybe it wasn't that I ended the relationship at all, maybe its just that I started a new one that no one likes. Well I like it... a lot. I feel like I'm pretty damn good about things too, I don't talk to him on the phone when she's around, I don't bring him around the house, not even to pick me up, and I don't even utter his name unless it's to tell her where I'm going.I respect her enough not to do those things because I know it hurts her. I stay home every Monday and most of the day Sundays- except this week just so I can try and be around everyone. It's a big juggling act. And it's not like I'm forced to stay home or anything like that but I don't hate my family, I actually do like to spend time with them. I guess what kills me today is sitting in the kitchen doing a craft and hearing my mom tell one of her sons that he is going to the movies with them 3 times next month. Yeah hello I'm focused on my crafts but I can still hear you. It's nice to be invited too, even if I say no, you can at least say you asked, and not at the last minute. It just feels good to be included when a lot of times I feel disconnected. Which once again, I can take most of the responsibility for, I'm 21, I have a boyfriend, I want to be out, with him.
Maybe somewhere down the line my two worlds will connect. Maybe not. I still won't give either one up. Life's all a waiting game sometimes.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment