A Letter to Heaven

I miss you so much and not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I wonder what you'd say to me if you were here right now. Would you be proud of how everyone is handling things? I'd like to think so, well mostly. Grandma is amazingly strong and I have no idea what anyone would do without her. I know that you probably miss her wherever you are and I know she misses you too. Mom and dad are taking great care of her and I know you would be so proud of them. Dad has really changed during this whole process, I know that we both know that he was great before but when you got sick it changed him a lot. He is so diligent in taking care of grandma, I think that it would make you laugh. He dotes on her a lot and is always cleaning up after her. It's kind of funny sometimes but it just shows how much he cares. If you were here, you would think grandma is so spoiled. Mom makes her dinner every night and they watch tv together and talk a lot. Wheel of fortune and jeopardy are nightly shows and I think you would be impressed on how good we are getting at it. I try to go over whenever I can but sometimes it is still weird for me to go to your house and not see you there. Oh and then there is the chickens, well there isn't chickens yet
but there are going to be. Those are grandmas idea. Its okay though because we all kind of think it will be something fun and give us something to do when it gets nicer outside. If you were here I think you'd be against the chickens but then grandma would talk you into it and you'd say "ok hun" just like you always would.
As for me, I'm okay, but you should know that by now. I talk to you a lot, just like this. I'd like to think that you can hear me even if you can't talk back. I still think that it is so unfair that you had to be taken away from us, from me. I really looked up to you and now I miss your words of wisdom. I like to think that you'd be proud of me. I have, mostly, held myself together for this whole process. Nick has been a great support for me this whole time and I remember what you said about him in the beginning. You said "does he treat you good? Well then thats all that matters and its no one else's concern". He is still treating me good and is held to a high standard. You and grandma really showed us all what love is and although I'm sure you had problems now and then but who doesn't. You two are what I base every relationship decision on. I want what you had. I loved that no matter how old you got or where you were, you would hold her hand. I think she loved it too.
I do better each day but I know I can't or won't ever forget you. I can still hear your voice in my head asking how della is or how my car is doing. I hope that never goes away but I know it won't. You played such a role in making me who I am that you will stay with me, wherever I go.

Maybe I Will Never Be Who I Was Before

Maybe I don't even know her anymore, Maybe who I am today ain't so far from yesterday...
I really wish people would realize that. I am the same person I have always been. Maybe I grew up and grew a pair and started standing up for myself sometimes and going for what I want but I am the same person I have always been. I may not be with the guy that everyone wants me to be with but I am with the guy that makes me happy. Shouldn't that be enough for everyone. I know I am happy and I wish other people would be happy for me.
I know his past might not be perfect but who's is? Certainly no one I know. Why can't people just leave the past in the past and move on. Everyone says give it time, give it time. Well how much time is enough? Because it's already been a good amount of time and no one seems to budge on their opinions. Opinions that I love by the way... "He's only out for himself and I don't like him and don't want to be around him" really well thats funny considering you had no problem being around him before. So my question is, were you putting up with him for my ex or did you not have a problem with him before? And if thats the case, what is your problem with him now? If it's because you think he broke up my last relationship, that can't be more far from the truth. No matter what you think, that relationship was headed for failure either way. And if you think he is going to "take what he wants from me and leave me" guess what, he got what he wanted and he's still here, he's been here for a pretty long time now and I don't think he's going anywhere.
People might wonder where this is coming from. I guess it's coming from the fact that apparently I have to watch my back and watch my step around everyone. What I say to one person may just make it across the country an hour later. It's kind of nuts actually. I hate drama, I dont want to be a part of it. If people are talking about me and comparing notes about me, fine. I just don't care to know about it. Just leave me in my own little bubble.
I know I am slipping away from family but it's not for lack of trying and it's not over some stupid crush. I guess the point I'm trying to make in all of this is he loves me, I love him, you love me, I love you. Why not TRY to get along and make things easier on me and let me be completely happy?

...and I'm out of my league once again

I never quite know where to start when I write these. I guess the beginning is always best but I'm never really sure when the beginning is. Hmmm lets just start from the weekend. Can we say amazing. There really never is a dull moment is there? I mean I guess there are dull moments but OK maybe not "dull" that's kind of an odd word for me, I guess there are calm moments. I feel like that's when I'm the most at peace though. At times I think the weeks drag on forever and the weekends pass by in the blink of an eye. I live for our weekends right now.
Now let me explain something, it's not like I don't like home, it's my home, it's where I grew up, it's where most of my best memories are. I just feel like I'm at a point in my life where it's becoming less of a home and more of just where my bed is. Everyone has to know it kills me to say that. I never thought it would be like this. My mom was always my best friend and not having that anymore is one of the worst feelings in the world. I can't say the distance is necessarily any ones fault either. I can obviously pinpoint for me where it went downhill but I can't always understand why. I feel like when I ended my relationship I also ended one with my mom too. (I know people you can say it didn't happen that way all you want but once again, it's my blog, I tell it how I see it and feel it). Maybe it wasn't that I ended the relationship at all, maybe its just that I started a new one that no one likes. Well I like it... a lot. I feel like I'm pretty damn good about things too, I don't talk to him on the phone when she's around, I don't bring him around the house, not even to pick me up, and I don't even utter his name unless it's to tell her where I'm going.I respect her enough not to do those things because I know it hurts her. I stay home every Monday and most of the day Sundays- except this week just so I can try and be around everyone. It's a big juggling act. And it's not like I'm forced to stay home or anything like that but I don't hate my family, I actually do like to spend time with them. I guess what kills me today is sitting in the kitchen doing a craft and hearing my mom tell one of her sons that he is going to the movies with them 3 times next month. Yeah hello I'm focused on my crafts but I can still hear you. It's nice to be invited too, even if I say no, you can at least say you asked, and not at the last minute. It just feels good to be included when a lot of times I feel disconnected. Which once again, I can take most of the responsibility for, I'm 21, I have a boyfriend, I want to be out, with him.
Maybe somewhere down the line my two worlds will connect. Maybe not. I still won't give either one up. Life's all a waiting game sometimes.

I Do All The Wrong Things Right

I know I haven't updated in a while so don't faint now that it's here. I just do not even know where to begin. I feel like I have so much going on and I'm not sure how or what to say about it. In so many aspects of my life I am so happy and others just suck. Lets focus on the sucky ones first that way we can finish on a positive note. :) I feel like I live in two different worlds that just can't come together and it's really starting to wear on me. I refuse to give either one up (not that anyone has asked me to) but it's hard trying to balance both. I guess I don't try to balance that great but it's hard being somewhere sometimes when you feel like your the cause of someones sadness and stress. I understand people needs to "grieve" in their own way but I know that they are "grieving" because of a choice I made. Granted I would make that same choice again and again and I don't regret it for a second but it's still hard knowing that I caused people pain. Sometimes I almost wonder if it would be better to just remove myself from the situation for a while until people get their bearings straight again. I feel like the way I live my life now is a constant reminder that he isn't around. Ok done with this crap because I'm getting over it. I guess only time will tell what happens. ATTN Readers: Some of you may like me less after reading this next part but then stop reading, it's my blog, I write what I want....Like I said, a lot of the time I am really happy. This is all due to one certain person and you know who you are (and no it's not laurie or sarah, although love the fist pumpers). I know people don't approve of us being together and don't like you and it's not that I don't value their opinions it's just that I can't give you up. I know all of your past hmm shall we call them escapades? and I don't care. It doesn't change how I feel about you at all. and the thing is, I know you won't hurt me. Some can call me naive but I'm not. Even in the end if they are right ( and they aren't but lets just say like a for instance) you have still brought me so much. You make me happy every single day and your the one I call when I need to vent or cry your the one I want to be with when I'm lonely, and even when I'm not. I know it seems fast to everyone but we know how we feel. Your my best friend and I trust you with everything. I know you've had a busy week and I'm proud of you for everything that you have and will accomplish. We have big dreams so lets make them work.

So lets on a positive note because I'm going to take on a positive attitude from now on..... "my dad called me an idiot and said I was stupid" haha just kidding dad, thought you may get a kick out of that one

Say What You're Thinking Out Loud

Self:(n) self, your consciousness of your own identity.
Lets start with that for today. How can someone say you are not acting like "yourself"? What is that even supposed to mean anyways. You are yourself so while you may be acting out of your normal character, it is still you. I've been getting this a lot lately. I'm not acting like myself. While I may seem to be acting differently to others, to me it seems perfectly normal. As people grow and mature in their lives they change. Everyone and everything changes. Sometimes people change together while other times they grow apart. This is a natural course of life. So while I may be acting differently to people it may be just that I am evolving in my life. I don't necessarily want or need the same things that I have in the past, it's all a part of the change. It doesn't mean I am a completely different person. I still want most of the same things in life, maybe I just have different goals now and am starting to see things differently. Do I seem any less happy to anyone??? Personally, I don't think so, if anything, I think I am happier. I feel like I'm disappointing people by not making choices they want to make but I guess that is something that I have to get over because I am really happy with where I'm at in my life right now. I know that I seem to be making rash decisions to some people but to me I'm really not. I'm still not the person that jumps into things without thinking it over. So if what I'm doing is making me happy why not just be happy for me? Everyone may not agree with my choices and that's fine but at least agree with and accept that I am happy, if you think it's temporary then fine, but support my decisions now because that's what unconditional love is all about.

All the cool kids are doing it

So I decided that all the cool kids have a blog so what the hell. Plus this is keeping me distracted at the current moment which is always a good thing. I'm going to be honest and say that this will probably last like a week but hey it's worth a shot. Especially with all the frustrating crap that happens to me on a daily basis, this will be a nice place to get it all down. Well my day so far has been a crap shoot which is nice considering it's about 9:30. That's always a positive. Who knows, maybe it'll get better. If not, Advil will be my friend. OK well this blog pretty much sucks but you gotta start somewhere right? I'm sure tonight I'll have much more interesting things to write about...