...and I'm out of my league once again

I never quite know where to start when I write these. I guess the beginning is always best but I'm never really sure when the beginning is. Hmmm lets just start from the weekend. Can we say amazing. There really never is a dull moment is there? I mean I guess there are dull moments but OK maybe not "dull" that's kind of an odd word for me, I guess there are calm moments. I feel like that's when I'm the most at peace though. At times I think the weeks drag on forever and the weekends pass by in the blink of an eye. I live for our weekends right now.
Now let me explain something, it's not like I don't like home, it's my home, it's where I grew up, it's where most of my best memories are. I just feel like I'm at a point in my life where it's becoming less of a home and more of just where my bed is. Everyone has to know it kills me to say that. I never thought it would be like this. My mom was always my best friend and not having that anymore is one of the worst feelings in the world. I can't say the distance is necessarily any ones fault either. I can obviously pinpoint for me where it went downhill but I can't always understand why. I feel like when I ended my relationship I also ended one with my mom too. (I know people you can say it didn't happen that way all you want but once again, it's my blog, I tell it how I see it and feel it). Maybe it wasn't that I ended the relationship at all, maybe its just that I started a new one that no one likes. Well I like it... a lot. I feel like I'm pretty damn good about things too, I don't talk to him on the phone when she's around, I don't bring him around the house, not even to pick me up, and I don't even utter his name unless it's to tell her where I'm going.I respect her enough not to do those things because I know it hurts her. I stay home every Monday and most of the day Sundays- except this week just so I can try and be around everyone. It's a big juggling act. And it's not like I'm forced to stay home or anything like that but I don't hate my family, I actually do like to spend time with them. I guess what kills me today is sitting in the kitchen doing a craft and hearing my mom tell one of her sons that he is going to the movies with them 3 times next month. Yeah hello I'm focused on my crafts but I can still hear you. It's nice to be invited too, even if I say no, you can at least say you asked, and not at the last minute. It just feels good to be included when a lot of times I feel disconnected. Which once again, I can take most of the responsibility for, I'm 21, I have a boyfriend, I want to be out, with him.
Maybe somewhere down the line my two worlds will connect. Maybe not. I still won't give either one up. Life's all a waiting game sometimes.

I Do All The Wrong Things Right

I know I haven't updated in a while so don't faint now that it's here. I just do not even know where to begin. I feel like I have so much going on and I'm not sure how or what to say about it. In so many aspects of my life I am so happy and others just suck. Lets focus on the sucky ones first that way we can finish on a positive note. :) I feel like I live in two different worlds that just can't come together and it's really starting to wear on me. I refuse to give either one up (not that anyone has asked me to) but it's hard trying to balance both. I guess I don't try to balance that great but it's hard being somewhere sometimes when you feel like your the cause of someones sadness and stress. I understand people needs to "grieve" in their own way but I know that they are "grieving" because of a choice I made. Granted I would make that same choice again and again and I don't regret it for a second but it's still hard knowing that I caused people pain. Sometimes I almost wonder if it would be better to just remove myself from the situation for a while until people get their bearings straight again. I feel like the way I live my life now is a constant reminder that he isn't around. Ok done with this crap because I'm getting over it. I guess only time will tell what happens. ATTN Readers: Some of you may like me less after reading this next part but then stop reading, it's my blog, I write what I want....Like I said, a lot of the time I am really happy. This is all due to one certain person and you know who you are (and no it's not laurie or sarah, although love the fist pumpers). I know people don't approve of us being together and don't like you and it's not that I don't value their opinions it's just that I can't give you up. I know all of your past hmm shall we call them escapades? and I don't care. It doesn't change how I feel about you at all. and the thing is, I know you won't hurt me. Some can call me naive but I'm not. Even in the end if they are right ( and they aren't but lets just say like a for instance) you have still brought me so much. You make me happy every single day and your the one I call when I need to vent or cry your the one I want to be with when I'm lonely, and even when I'm not. I know it seems fast to everyone but we know how we feel. Your my best friend and I trust you with everything. I know you've had a busy week and I'm proud of you for everything that you have and will accomplish. We have big dreams so lets make them work.

So lets on a positive note because I'm going to take on a positive attitude from now on..... "my dad called me an idiot and said I was stupid" haha just kidding dad, thought you may get a kick out of that one